Forever Alone on Valentine's Day

 Valentine's day is coming up and I'm single.

I know I'm supposed to be like this:

But I'm not. Don't get me wrong, usually I am like this. And not even just on Valentine's day! It's easy to let myself get into some pity party about my singleness. I've only ever had one boyfriend. And that was when I was 17. The world would have me believe I'm some huge freak! But I know better. Here are the three conclusions I've made of late:

1) It's not you, it's me.
    So I have this really bad habit. Coloquially, it's called unrequited love. Really, what that means is every time I meet some nice guy, and I find out he's a Christian, maybe we even flirt a little... all of a sudden my brain goes haywire. I start over analyzing everything and striving. Somehow I think it's all up to me whether something might come from the friendship. But honestly, enough is enough. I'm done with thinking it is my job to make someone (anyone, not just guys) like me. I know that who I am is good enough. I also know that God has me in a season of being single. At some point that will change, but I'm not going to keep asking Him, "Is it time yet? Now? Is it time now?" And I guess here is where I'm making the switch to, "It's not me, it's you, God."

2) Romantic love is not the only love, or even the best love.
     One of my favorite authors, John Green, who also makes youtube videos with his brother Hank, said this to his brother in one video,

"Both you and I live in worlds that tell us there are only two important things. One is the acquisition of goods and the other is either the acquisition or avoidance of sex. But Hank, it turns out that the question of who's a virgin and who's [not] is not the most interesting question. And the romantic relationships in your life are not the only important relationships."

A few months later he made a video on Valentine's day that sums it up pretty well, I think:

Okay, did you catch that? This part:

"Valentine's Day is perhaps the most potent symbol of our weird obsession with romantic love. Like why isn't 'Best Friends Day' the biggest shopping day of the year? Because for some reason, we think you can only have loving, sustained relationships with someone who you also sleep with.

If you spend your life singularly obsessed with romantic love, you're gonna miss out on a lot of what's fun about being a person... also you're gonna have to spend a lot of money on diamonds."

3) Loving God is my top priority.
    So my mom and I were channel surfing the other day and we stumbled upon the movie City of Angels. Now, if you don't know what that movie is about, it stars Nicholas Cage as an angel who decides to give up his angelic rights to become a human so that he can love Meg Ryan. I know. Aside from the obvious, what got me was the ending scene. Another angel asks him if it was worth it and he says,

Somehow, we have, as humans, gotten to the point where we believe that one day of "true love" is worth risking everything for (other movies that come to mind that say this too: Titanic, Pearl Harbor). That one day of romantic love is worth more than the love that comes from God, and it is worth leaving Heaven and His presence for.

WHAT?!???

The top rated comments on Youtube for this video are these:

"The best verbal representation of what i consider love."

and,

"omg can any one love someone by that way
this is the purest love"

But I would counter these statements with this verse from Romans 5:8, "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
When I was seperated from God, because of my sin, because of the sin we all have as humans, Jesus laid His life down for me. He did it because he loved me!

Soon before he was crucified, Jesus told his disciples, "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. " -John 15:12-13. This is the purest form of love. Not selfish, self-satisfying love, but sacrificial love.

A man asked Jesus what he could do to inherit eternal life. Jesus answered with a question, "What is written in the Law?" Jesus did this a lot. How often do we ask God a question we already know the answer to? The man "answered: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" -Luke 10:27.

Earlier this month I was at a friend's church. We were walking through the hallway and by the kid rooms was a sign and it said, "Jesus is my Valentine." Maybe it's completely cheesy, but I don't care. I resolved right then and decided: Jesus is my Valentine.

"Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.
I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever.
For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.
But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness." -Psalm 86:11-13, 15

 This is my prayer: that I would love God with my heart, my whole heart. Not part of it, but my entire, undivided heart. And I would love Jesus with all my soul, strength and mind.
And to my friends and family, I LOVE YOU! I love you so very much. And I hope I show you my love for you throughout the year.

 

Thinking About Samantha, 23

In October of last year I received an email from one of our pastors at the Movement Church to please pray for a young woman who had been in a car accident. Her name was Samantha Leonard and she was severely injured. I did not even know Samantha but I began praying for her. Our whole church pulled together and we all prayed for total restoration to Samantha's body. I joined the facebook page devoted to her and I asked my friends to join and to pray for her. I followed the website her family had started and read many messages of hope and faith others had written to her family. I believed she was going to be healed with everything I had. But a few days later we all learned that Samantha had passed away. She was only twenty-three years old. She left behind a devoted family and husband, friends. And people who did not even know her, but would have been blessed to have.

At the time I was twenty-one years old. It really made me think about my time here on earth and how quickly it could end. I considered all of my hopes and dreams for this life and how much I wanted them to come to pass. I thought of my mother and my family and friends and how they would be affected if I left this world at so young an age. And it made my heart break for Samantha and her family. It also affected me deeply because I had felt so strongly that God could and would work a miracle for her. It made me think though of one of my heroes of the faith, Michal Ann Goll. Michal Ann Goll wrote one of my favorite books of all time, Compassion, which is a constant source of inspiration to me. She and her husband Jim Goll wrote so many awesome books, had an amazing ministry, and saw countless people healed. She battled cancer for five years until she passed away in 2008. When I heard the news it was this first time I learned the phrase that she had "graduated to be with the Lord."

So I was walking home on October 6, 2010, and I was thinking of all these things. It had rained that day and there were huge puddles on the ground. I was feeling that strange mixture of sadness and joy that all believers must experience at some point when one of our dear friends has graduated to be with the Lord.

With all that in mind, I wrote this poem that day:

Thinking About Samantha, 23

Sun rays slip through the clouds

and the gray streaked sky is reflected

in a dirty puddle on the asphalt

My shoes shatter this temporary mirror

Droplets fall off a leaf

like a ballerina leaping

forward on one pink foot

The sky weeping more than we ever could

The keening wind passes

over the creek past the window

or maybe it’s the coyotes

The atmosphere above us belies the truth

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain..." -Revelation 21:4

My heart is filled with songs of Forever

 This is an old post that I wrote on the City, but I thought it was a nice one to start with.

“The idea which shuts out the Second Coming from our minds, the idea of the world slowly ripening to perfection, is a myth.” –C.S. Lewis

When I used to think of the Second Coming of Christ, my heart used to quake. I would shudder with fear. I would think in my heart, “No. I want to live. I want to be married, and have children, and live!”

But now, even though I still want those things, I don’t feel frightened. I think I’m gaining some maturity in understanding peace with God’s will. If it is God’s will to return before I, self-centered human, have the life I decided I deserve, then so be it. But I also know that the dreams that I have for my life are good, and God-given. But if the Lord came before then, I would be all right with that, because I so look forward to Heaven. It’s going to be awesome. And if God wanted my life for His glory, I’m willing to lay that down too. I can’t wait for the veil to be lifted and to be face to face with my Creator; where there will be no more tears, pain, or death anymore!

“My heart is filled with songs of forever. A city that endures, where all is made new. I know I don’t belong here. I’ll never call this place a home, I’m just passing through.”      –"In Exile" by Thrice